Relationships

My last relationship lasted over 4 years, and it ended over 3 years ago. Since that relationship ended, I have gone on six dates with four different guys. When my one-year online dating subscription ended, I gave up. I gave up for good, pretty much. I never really missed dating or having a guy in my life. I enjoyed taking care of myself and being independent. I enjoyed having a routine and a schedule. I enjoy eating chocolate for breakfast on a Saturday morning without someone having an opinion on that.

About two months ago, one of my oldest friends got in touch with me to reconnect. This is someone I've known for almost 20 years. This is someone I love and trust and can be totally honest with...about anything. It had been almost 10 years since we had spoken. We grew apart when he met a new woman and eventually got married. There was a lot of catching up we had to do. As it turns out, his life is in a bit of turmoil right now. I wouldn't wish what he is going through on anyone, but it gave us a chance to talk...really talk. I was reminded that people always thought we were destined to be together. Our timing just always really sucked.

Reconnecting with him awakened something in me I didn't know still existed. Not just the feelings I've had for him since I was probably 10 years old, but those feelings in general. I thought I had shut the door on ever feeling anything like that again, but apparently not. So, now I'm in a pickle. This friend of mine really needs me right now - needs me to be a good friend and a good listener. However, all I can think about is how our timing sucks yet again.

Since that first night we saw each other - about 6 weeks ago - my heart hurts every day. I've been in plenty of relationships in my life, and my heart has never hurt like this. How is this even possible? It's like I'm mourning the loss of something, but you can't lose something you never had, right? These feelings, I can't shake them. Situations what they are, we cannot be together now...maybe never. I've come to terms with that, and now I'm trying to get my brain to explain that to my heart. With some time, I'm sure I will get through this like I get through everything else life throws at me.

I turned to a friend of mine to help me through this. She was supportive and said all the right things...all the things I would have said in the same situation. But, she said something else, something that bothers me more than having to turn off my feelings. She said that I should start dating again, soon, before I forget how to do it...or before I lose any interest in ever dating again. Does that happen? Can a person forget how to date? Can a person just "lose it" if they don't "use it"? I don't really believe any of that, but now it's stuck in my head.

Welcome

I've been debating writing a blog for awhile now, but I wasn't really sure anyone would read it. Honestly, I still don't know why anyone would want to read it!

Common sense tells me that eventually Winter will end and warmer temps will follow. When/if that happens, I'll be happy to fill this blog with home improvement project updates. Until then, you'll have to sit through my emotional baggage!

My thanks to Kristen for helping me with the name of the blog.