Music

Depending on how many years you have known me, you may or may not know about how important music has been to me throughout my life. I began playing piano in the 1st grade, and I stopped when I was about 18 years old. I also played clarinet in the band from about 7th grade through the middle of high school.

The last time I played any instrument in front of people was graduation. The last time I played piano, period, was probably with my friend Sue my freshman year of college. Since then, I've never really missed it.

If you were a "child of the 80s," you might remember Sunday radio top 40 shows with Casey Kasem and Rick Dees. You might remember anxiously awaiting what would be #1 that week. You might remember putting your blank cassette tape in your boombox and recording those songs so you could listen to them on your walkman on the bus or at recess. Well, thank God for technology! In the land of downloading entire CDs as mp3s through iTunes or DVRing your favorite shows so you can have a life, I sort of lost sight of how easy it is to find new music.

One really great thing I love about my job is that I can listen to my iPod all day long. It can be any kind of music or audio books. No one ever has to know what you're listening to. So, over the past year - with the help of my friend Ashley and satellite radio - I've really tried to stay up-to-date with the latest music (of my liking). I had really forgotten how a song or an album can make me smile or put me at ease or make me forget about all the really crappy things happening in my life at any given moment.

So, I've decided I'll use this blog as a place to also share what I'm listening to these days...or should I say, the songs I keep repeating when they come up on shuffle.

• My Darkest Days "Pornstar Dancing" (with Ludacris) is my favorite right now. In fact, I'm being one of "those" people and listening to it as I walk from the parking lot in to work every morning.
• Anything by Five Finger Death Punch, but especially "Hard to See" and "Far from Home".
• Red. Until We Have Faces is a really great album, and I just bought tickets to see them in May.
• Last, who can continue to work when RunDMC's "It's Tricky" shuffles around!
  

2011 projects

Well, the calendar might say Spring has arrived, but my 19-degree walk at 5am this morning tells me otherwise. Regardless, I have started to think of my home improvement projects for 2011. My federal tax refund got "delayed" through no fault of mine or my accountant, so I've had some extra time to think about what I want to do.

I went out yesterday with my notebook in hand and measured and priced and assessed. While I will not be able to do exactly what I want for all my projects (time, money, some are not DIYish projects), I do believe I have found acceptable alternatives. First up is replacing the emergency lattice fence out back with an actual wood picket fence. The neighbor's yard that borders mine has one, and although I cannot find the same picket style anywhere in this town, I think it will look much better than what I have now. Hopefully it will be stronger for the dog, but I fear it will allow more bunnicides to occur. From what I've been reading, I should wait a few weeks/months to paint it so it has a chance to weather. (Not sure what constant canine urine does to it!)

From there, I am hoping to replace the leaning chainlink kennel pieces with beautiful white vinyl fencing. This appears to be quite costly, and I can't really find any I like. Here's the dilemma: If I go with a privacy fence with no slats, Lucky won't be able to see people/dogs walking by and might bark less. However, he's an outside dog during the day most of the year. He's always been able to see outside his yard. It seems cruel to take that away from him. Decisions, decisions. I am going to send my specs to a local company to get a price quote on materials/labor. Based on what the computer spit out at me at Menards yesterday, I'm wondering if it isn't worth it to just pay someone to install it. We shall see...

From there is the basement. My really nice, very cold basement. Gosh I wish that was usable year-round. First I need to strip all the crappy paint off the block. Then I need to fill all gaps. Then I need to seal it against water. And those are just the steps I had planned to do last year! From there, insulation. I've been online for weeks now trying to find alternatives to framing and sheetrocking. I'm not sure why I'm against that option, but I am. I'm still working out the details on this project, but I will have insulation in that space before next winter. I'm hoping that one of my friends who just added a room addition to her house can help me with the heat source for my new basement. Appears that this will also be a difficult decision to make due to the amount of options available to me.

Finally, and I'm sure there will be $0 left over after the above, I'd like to bring a company in and insulate the walls of the house. Based on how cold I am 6 months out of the year and how much my bills are, I'm fairly confident I got nothing in those walls. I don't even know what this little adventure would cost me, but the local company that blows it in from the outside is the same company who replaced my windows. Good people. So, I'll be working on getting an estimate for that. It might be worth dipping into my savings to do that before next winter. Who knows what kind of money I could save next winter if I opted for this project yet this year.

So there it is. My 2011 all planned out. I'll be sure to keep everyone posted with updates of my successes and failure along the way.

This day in history

Four years ago this weekend, Dan and I were in Vegas.
Two years ago today, Dan got married...obviously not to me!
It's funny the way life works, huh?

I celebrated Dan's wedding day with good food, good friends, and good drinks. Last night I was able to do that again. So, happy anniversary, Dan. Seems to me that we both have the lives we wanted. Perhaps you should thank me for walking out on you!

Relationships Part 2

I am surrounded by dysfunctional relationships, mostly marriages. I have never claimed to be a proponent of marriage, but at least I comprehend the concept. Here's how I see it: You get married and commit yourself to another human being. You learn the art of compromise. You do everything in your power - even through the bad stuff - to make it work. But, should that day come when you have exhausted all avenues to make it work, GET OUT! Don't lose your identity because you are too afraid of a different life. Don't ruin the lives of your children or other members of your family because you are afraid. And for the love of Pete...don't screw around while you are still married.

So, for the people in my life that I know and love that are going through some tough times in their relationships, I wish nothing but good things for you. Please try everything in your power to make things work. But, at the same time, please don't let fear win in your decision-making process. When fear wins, we all lose.

My Dove message for today: Love without rules.
It's a beautiful thought.

Relationships

My last relationship lasted over 4 years, and it ended over 3 years ago. Since that relationship ended, I have gone on six dates with four different guys. When my one-year online dating subscription ended, I gave up. I gave up for good, pretty much. I never really missed dating or having a guy in my life. I enjoyed taking care of myself and being independent. I enjoyed having a routine and a schedule. I enjoy eating chocolate for breakfast on a Saturday morning without someone having an opinion on that.

About two months ago, one of my oldest friends got in touch with me to reconnect. This is someone I've known for almost 20 years. This is someone I love and trust and can be totally honest with...about anything. It had been almost 10 years since we had spoken. We grew apart when he met a new woman and eventually got married. There was a lot of catching up we had to do. As it turns out, his life is in a bit of turmoil right now. I wouldn't wish what he is going through on anyone, but it gave us a chance to talk...really talk. I was reminded that people always thought we were destined to be together. Our timing just always really sucked.

Reconnecting with him awakened something in me I didn't know still existed. Not just the feelings I've had for him since I was probably 10 years old, but those feelings in general. I thought I had shut the door on ever feeling anything like that again, but apparently not. So, now I'm in a pickle. This friend of mine really needs me right now - needs me to be a good friend and a good listener. However, all I can think about is how our timing sucks yet again.

Since that first night we saw each other - about 6 weeks ago - my heart hurts every day. I've been in plenty of relationships in my life, and my heart has never hurt like this. How is this even possible? It's like I'm mourning the loss of something, but you can't lose something you never had, right? These feelings, I can't shake them. Situations what they are, we cannot be together now...maybe never. I've come to terms with that, and now I'm trying to get my brain to explain that to my heart. With some time, I'm sure I will get through this like I get through everything else life throws at me.

I turned to a friend of mine to help me through this. She was supportive and said all the right things...all the things I would have said in the same situation. But, she said something else, something that bothers me more than having to turn off my feelings. She said that I should start dating again, soon, before I forget how to do it...or before I lose any interest in ever dating again. Does that happen? Can a person forget how to date? Can a person just "lose it" if they don't "use it"? I don't really believe any of that, but now it's stuck in my head.

Welcome

I've been debating writing a blog for awhile now, but I wasn't really sure anyone would read it. Honestly, I still don't know why anyone would want to read it!

Common sense tells me that eventually Winter will end and warmer temps will follow. When/if that happens, I'll be happy to fill this blog with home improvement project updates. Until then, you'll have to sit through my emotional baggage!

My thanks to Kristen for helping me with the name of the blog.